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Hell Week

OK, this is part complaint and part aggravated rant over stupid animals controlling us with emotions. Actually, it makes a fairly funny story, and I needed to post something, so here goes.  



It was a dark and stormy night. Oh wait, wrong story. Sorry. Hell Week started last Saturday. It was a typical Saturday during tax season, I was working my butt off and I accomplished quite a bit of work. I got home and my niece says, “Wanna see what I found. Come look, it’s by the shed.”   Oh-oh. Not what I want to hear. Probably a dead animal that will stink like crazy.    


Surprise, surprise. It’s a cat. We weren’t sure if he was dumped or was a stray. While she was working on her car, she heard a car go by and then shortly after, a cat meowing. And meowing and meowing and meowing. She went to look and he was down the road a bit, and as she came back, he followed her up the driveway. Meowing and meowing and meowing. Loudly. He just doesn’t shut up. 


I let him hang in the shed, fed him on Sunday. Told him to go home, just in case he was from the neighborhood. He was still there Monday. No phone calls from the fliers I put out at the store. OK, fine, let me think about this. He is pretty cute, probably around or under a year old, seems pretty healthy, very affectionate and, did I mention, awfully loud. He might have been abused, as his tail seems to be broken – there’s a hard lump a couple inches from the base and he doesn’t raise it like other cats. 


Well, maybe we’ll consider keeping him, after we take him to the vet’s to get his balls cut off and see if he’s got that feline leukemia. Meanwhile, I called the SPCA to see if anyone lost a cat. 


Tuesday rolls around. I go out back to give the bugger some food. Here Kitty, Kitty. I can hear him, he’s in the front yard. Come on, I don’t have all day, get over here and eat. Meow, meow, meow, meow. I go up the side of the house; the meowing gets louder, if that is even possible. What the hell!!! He’s up in the crotch of a tree by the road. WAY up. Like, nosebleed up. What pops out of my mouth is, “Bluestreak! Get down here right now!” Uh-oh. Did I just name him? Shit. Not necessarily a good cat name, but it fits. 


Since I am firmly entrenched in my little delusional Transformer world, I had been secretly going over names in my mind, just in case, mind you. I really wanted to call him Prowl, the quintessential cat name. He is black and white. But his personality was more like Jazz. But Jazz really didn’t fit. I guess he reminded me of the Bluestreak fans like to write about, young, good-natured, affectionate, traumatized, alone, and quite the talker. Plus, G1 Bluestreak isn’t blue. And neither is this guy. Anyway. 


Blue was yelling at me to get him down, right now. Um, I don’t think so. I don’t have time right now, gotta get to work, and most cats come down eventually, right? Yeah, right.       


Home for lunch, and he’s still up there. My niece comes home to drop off stuff, and I con her to help me get my extension ladder. Looks like a good idea, ladder up against the tree and, crap, my 24-foot ladder is about 10 feet short of the cat. (Meow, meow, meow) I’ve got to think about what to do. 


Happy stuff, I get my “Saga of the Allspark” and movie prequels “Defiance” 1, 2, and 3 comics in the mail. Yea! Which I promptly take back to work and read.   


Tuesday night. I get sick, my punishment for reading during work. I kept waking up almost every hour, having the same recurring dream about Megatron and Bee. In black and white! What is wrong with me? Finally got up around 4:30am because I was freezing. Put on sweats and my bathrobe and finally fell back asleep.


Stayed home from work Wednesday morning, it was raining. Yes, raining on the cat in the tree. (Meow, meow, meow) Shut up already and come down, I can’t reach you. I tried calling the SPCA, animal control, my vet, and no one could help me. Moped around work in the afternoon, but called in sick to my second job.


Thursday cat still up there. I am getting really annoyed, it’s supposed to snow tonight. I complain to my sister, and she surprises me. We go to Home Depot during lunch and buy a 34-foot fiberglass extension ladder. $390!!! We go back to my house and she helps me set it up on the tree (it was a pretty large tree, circumference at the base around 24 inches across) and I climb up the ladder. Slowly. And with much hyperventilating. I hate heights. Don’t think about it and don’t look down.   (Meow, meow, meow) I think my ears are going to explode. 


I cannot believe how mellow that cat is. I grabbed his scruff and pull him to me. He just wraps his arms around my neck and stops meowing. Hallelujah! The cat and I descend slowly down the ladder. Crisis over. Cat gets food and goes to sleep to recover from his ordeal. I make appointment at clinic for a Tuesday morning snip, snip. My sister said I should lock him in the shed, I figure he’ll be fine until Tuesday. 


Seems like the end of the story, right? Not in my topsy-turvy world. 


Last night, Saturday, I was awakened at 1:23am by screaming in the backyard. Don’t worry, it wasn’t a cat, I’ve heard them scream. I am pretty sure it was a raccoon. If not that, a coyote. I was worried for the kitty (you notice I am trying to avoid using a name, just in case), but I was too chicken-shit to go out alone in the middle of the night to fight possibly rabid raccoons. Besides, I don’t have any scattershot for my shotgun, all I have are deer slugs. Doesn’t do much good if you miss, ya know. After an hour of random screaming, it was finally quiet and I fell back asleep. 


This morning, Sunday, I let the dog out the front door, and I heard kitty meowing. Meow, meow, meow, meow. I may have to call him El Stupido, as evidenced where I found him when I went to the backyard. Guess where he was, and your first two don’t count.




Up a fucking tree!! No wonder I take blood pressure meds!


I imagine that whatever was raising a ruckus last night either chased or scared “the cat” up the tree. This tree was small, only about 8 inches across at the base. My ladder was too short, again, and I was afraid the tree wouldn’t support the weight of the longer ladder. It took my niece and I almost 2 hours to get that DAMN CAT down. Meow, meow, meow, meow. 


We tried a few different things, and I was getting ready to use the chainsaw to cut the tree down, using a controlled fall that involved lots of ropes. My niece thought of a plan, and actually, I can’t believe it worked. We tossed a rope over the branch he was on, tied a large Easter basket to the end, put food in the basket and hauled it up to just below him. 


That stupid (well, maybe not so stupid) cat jumped into the basket and QUIETLY let us lower him to where I was standing on the ladder below, guiding the basket with a long branch. Amazing. Happy cat, happy mdnytryder. 


All I wanna say is “the cat” is getting locked in the shed every night until he comes back from the vet on Tuesday and (hopefully) comes into the house. 


The things we do for animals. I’ll let you know how it turns out and will put up a pic. But, right now, I need a Jack and coke. 


Maybe two. 





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Apr. 14th, 2009 06:08 am (UTC)
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