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a1057soul posted this pic to amuse me.

At first, I had no words.  But, after staring at this conglomeration of unrelated images for a few minutes, I found that I did.
There definitely was a story in that picture.   
I can't believe I cranked this crap out in about 30 minutes. Unrequested, unbetaed and breaking the fourth wall constantly.  I should send it to cleargold just to see if she'll have a heart attack.  hahaha. 
Posted here because it gives me something to post, and sometimes I just crack myself up.  
Yes, I am  pathetic.

"Life Sucks And Then You Get Eaten"

Starring a Constructicon who has a change of heart, Bruce the Great White from 'Jaws' who was brought to life (think Frankenstein)and escaped from his pathetic Universal ride, and a corporate spy for Mobile Oil disguised as a nun. 

Little did these 3 beings know that they would all meet up together and solve one of the mysteries of the universe. 

The Constructicon, who we will call Scavenger, had been trolling in the Gulf waters, gathering information for Megatron on how they could steal the leaking oil. He was lonely, as the other Constructicons had been assigned by Megs to work on the Bermuda Triangle space bridge. Megatron was convinced, as he had read a stolen thesis written by Perceptor, that a working space bridge could use the energy generated by the mysterious force that stole planes and boats from the surface of the Earth. The Triangle had to be one end of a worm hole, and it was worth the risk to try and take control of this phenomenon. There was very little natural Energon on Earth, and although the Autobots could work with the squishies to manufacture this life-giving substance, the high-and-mighty Decepticons despised the little flesh-bags and would only steal what was freely given to the Autobots. 

Meanwhile, back at Universal, Bruce had been given the kiss of life in a freak electrical storm that happened during a tornado. The tornado sucked up the entire Jaws ride and carried Bruce and Clara (the shark from 'Jaws 2') - the love of Bruce's very short life (although Clara did not benefit from the electrical storm, as she was still a dead shark made of balsam wood and that foam stuff that comes out of a can of 'Great Stuff') - over the entire width of Florida and dumped them into the Gulf of Mexico just off the coast near the town of Indian Rocks Beach. 

This town was significant in our story, as it is the birthplace of our corporate spy-turned-nun. Bung. James Bung. Code name double-ought three point five two seven. Bung was a loyal Mobile Oil (who we will henceforth call 'The Company' because it sounds more sinister and that is what they called the company in the Alien movies) employee, and when 'The Company' demanded that he transfer from the Accounting Department to the Spy Department, he readily agreed. 'The Company' sent Bung to Spy School at the nearby community college where hilarity ensued and he had many adventures with his school chums, just like in that TV show called 'Community'. Bung graduated in the bottom twelve of his class, which was fine by 'The Company' as it was all tax deductible anyway.  

Bung's first assignment was to integrate himself with the crew of an oil rig in the middle of the Gulf. He was supposed to make a copy of the rig blueprints and then destroy the official BP set of dishes. Taking inspiration from the movie 'Sister Act', Bung went back to the town of his birth to borrow one of his aunt's habits, as she was a Franciscan nun, now retired and in seclusion in Cuba. Bung had taken the alias, Sister Juanita (a name he decided he could remember as Juanita was the name he used when he was in drag), and charted a fishing boat to make his way to the oil rig. 

Things mostly went as planned, as Bung, as Sister Juanita, despite having a five o'clock shadow, got very chummy with the level three assistant operations manager (who we shall call Level 3 as he is a bit player in our story and shall soon be eaten by Bruce). Sister Juanita/Bung convinced (we shall not specify to what acts Bung had to lower himself) Level 3 to give her/him the original blueprints (Woot! Originals and not copies. There should be a bonus due for this, like a case of Hawaiian Tropic suntan oil, Bung's fav. Sister Juanita/Bung was very proud.) and in a case of misreading the original orders from 'The Company' (Bung had spilled coffee on the paper and the words smeared from destroy dishes to destroy damnrig) Sister Juanita/Bung threw a lit cigar in the engine room, which caused the level 2 assistant engineer, named Scotty, to claim that he needed more power and that there was no way they could break through that Earth crust (which was actually Scotty's delusion as he was caught napping and in the throes of a very vivid dream involving an Andorian Senator and his dog-thing). Scotty jerked awake and involuntarily hit the Red Button (henceforth known as the Red Button which causes the oil rig to explode). Seeing he had doomed himself, Scotty exited the engine room and beat off 4 other crew members to commandeer a lifeboat all to himself. 

Well, goes to show that one moral of the story is not to be selfish, as Scotty and his lifeboat was sucked up into Scavenger's vents when he surfaced to see what all the ruckus was about. Scavenger was not pleased, as squishie frapee was almost impossible to get out of intakes. 

Sister Juanita/Bung was able to save both her/himself and his new special friend, Level 3, by using some of his special secret agent tricks and snag a lifeboat of their own.

As [bad] luck would have it, this lifeboat had a small hole in the bottom. The two lovers were doomed. Doomed, I tell you! 

Meanwhile, Bruce had been traveling in a westerly direction, towing dead, never alive Carla, the love of his short life, by an incredibly strong length of kelp he just happened to find. They were on their honeymoon, trying to get to San Juan by way of Texas. (Yes, they were lost, but try telling any male to stop and ask for directions and see if you don't get your head bitten off.) The oil rig exploded in brilliant tongues of flame and flying metal. Unfortunately, a large chunk of that flying metal cut Carla right in half. What a tragedy! Wood splinters and hard foamy stuff everywhere! Bruce couldn't believe his eye (as he had eyes on either side of his head, only one eye saw the carnage) as his love's hind end suddenly sunk into the depths. Bruce saw red, and in his anger, he attacked the first object that came across his field of vision (of the opposite eye). Said object just happened to be Sister Juanita/Bung and Level 3's lifeboat. 

Level 3 was huddled in the prow while Sister Juanita/Bung manned (womaned) the tiller. Bruce rose out of the water in full angry, hungry, great white fury, and chomped down on the prow, swallowing Level 3 whole. Guess that hole in the boat didn't make any difference to Level 3, now did it? Sister Juanita/Bung, facing the loss of the first man she/he ever loved, jumped into the water, a black-clad, rosary-wearing, fury. She/he pounded into Bruce (who was also hurting from the loss of his love) and the waters boiled with the ferociousness of the battle. 

But, as humans cannot breathe underwater, the victor ultimately became clear. Bruce chomped on Sister Juanita/Bung's left arm and tore it off. Shock froze Sister Juanita/Bung in place, making it easy for Bruce to deliver the coup de grace. Bruce considered it ironic and fitting that the bottom half of his love's murderer (Bruce really didn't know for a fact that Sister Juanita/Bung was the killer, as Bruce is only a dumb animal and incapable of reason) went to join her hind end in the depths of Davy Jones' Locker (the Orlando Bloom version of Davy Jones, as he is truly a hunk and almost worth dying for).

Scavenger (no, we didn't forget him) noted this frenzied activity with interest. It reminded him of Soundwave's drone, Frenzy, who he always thought was more interesting than his twin, Rumble. But that is another story. 

In a fit of lovesickness, Scavenger plucked Bruce out of the water and squished him. Because he was a Decepticon.     

Scavenger lived happily ever after - he kidnapped his love interest, Frenzy (who happily returned Scavenger's feelings), left his gestalt and joined the Autobots because Megatron wouldn't let him use the washracks after immersion in the salty water (we all know what salt water does to metal) and that was just not fair after all the hard work and squishie parts in his internals - and everyone else did not. 

The end. 

[Hey, did anyone notice that I figured out how to get people's names in blue?  Only took me, what, 21 months.] 




( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 21st, 2010 01:52 am (UTC)
Thank you. I blame the meatloaf.

When you are posting an entry in the Rich text tab - you hit the little head with a chain icon that says 'LiveJournal User'. It is to the left of 'Insert/edit Image'. A box pops up asking for the user name. Just type the person's journal name (i.e. mdnytryder). So I now have a list of my friend's names so I spell them correctly. I do not know how to do it for these comments, just a post. But, there's gotta be a code. If I had time, I'd search FAQ's. I think you should do that! heehee.

I also learned how to do crossouts strikethorughs in comments. Remove the spaces and use this code:
< s>striketextgoeshere< /s>

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )



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